semlm dpt gak email dari arien... Rafizi Thx U note.. ingat lagi masa dia join mtbe 7thn lalu.. hmmn.. mmg budak ni born to be a leader... so suprise bile die resign dr petronas... whats a stupid management yg xnmpak sebiji permata yg ada dlm petronas nih.. hrp2 la Datuk Ainon tau kes nih.. bygkn masuk E1 g assmt die nyer potential leh g ke E4 at the age 25!!!.. Rafizi kfila terkilan with ur decision.. but sure.. u knw wht d bes 4 u.. n i knw u will excell kat mane2 pon.. wish u luck... myb u all leh read Rafizi nyer Thx u notes nih a lot of things to ponder..a good read...


A Thank You Note
Dear all
As you receive this email, it would have been one week since I left PETRONAS. It is not that I
planned to send a farewell email one week later, it takes this long to arrange my thoughts. I had
planned about what to write since May but I just didn’t know how to.
The truth is, from the day I handed in my resignation (which I will talk about later), my life was
suspended. Everything ground to a halt. I was a zombie walking about for the last three months.
It was as if my life was incomplete.
And the reality was, there was no life as you know it, the day you handed in your resignation.
PETRONAS has been my life for the last 7 years, and I had been a part of PETRONAS since I was
17. I spent most of my waking hours in the office for the last 7 years and apart from the
occasional outside office commitments, being single means an unparalleled devotion to work.
On 30th April 2009, that life was no more and I am still grappling with the reality that I had made
a decision to leave an organisation that I have known for the last 15 years; an organisation that
has become a family.
So why leave?
That is the purpose of this email, because I feel that I need to explain. I never intended to make
a Jerry Maguire-like scene (though there are some parallels in terms of the stupidity, naivete and
abruptness of it all), unfortunately I realised that the abrupt departure did leave a lot of
questions that if not attended to, lead to many unnecessary speculations.
However, before I take some time to dwell on that, I feel that it is best if I pay tribute to all the
people who have made the last 7 years one of the best parts of my life. PETRONAS was a home
and these people made it so homely.
PART I
(There are so many people I have come across in my relatively short 7 years so I can’t possibly
write every single one of them here, I can only try my best to recall those who have had the
greatest impact on my career in PETRONAS in chronological order. I know it’s going to be a long
one but hey, I only get to do this once in my lifetime!)
En Ibrahim Apandi Tuan Yaacob (Manager, ESU and ex-Student Advisor in the UK in the mid to
late 90s)
- En Ibrahim embodies the kindness and compassion that I eventually associate with
PETRONAS, and of which I tried my best to hold on to as a value throughout my stint in
PETRONAS.
- He took me under his wing when I was barely 18 and treated me like a family, always
encouraging and understanding though of all the students under his care, I may be one
of the most problematic.
- I was quite active in my student activism (perhaps the word "quite" is an under
statement) and I was unfortunate that my time in university coincided with a period of
political instability in the country.
- Eventually I run into so many problems with the establishment and there were many times
that the Malaysian Students Department (MSD) in London would have wanted me to be
sent back and censured for the opinions or press statements I was giving (to both the
mainstream and alternative media), but he always came in to protect and to defend,
that I managed to get through my degree and ICAEW internship without hardly any
disciplinary actions ever taken.
- He had always taken pride in talents and his main preoccupation was to see the talents
developed, that eventually when I came back to PETRONAS, even though by position
and salary grade I overtook him; he remained a fatherly figure and mentor who taught
me things that any formal courses cannot.
- Much of what I am today (or for that matter, much of what most of the overseas trained
CAs in PETRONAS are today) is due to the kindness and compassion that he has
showered us over the years. And we don’t thank him enough.
En Ng Kim Giap (formerly Senior Manager, MMSB and PMLSB)
- Mr Giap was my first boss in PETRONAS. I remember the first day I reported for duty, he
called me "my friend" when he addressed me, instead of the usual official pleasantries.
He has called me "friend" ever since until last week when we chatted about his plan to
go backpacking.
- In Mr Giap, I learnt humility and trust. He knew that he was reaching an end of his career
and he was always interested in the kind of people he wanted to leave behind.
- In us, he poured in his experience, his fatherly advice and most importantly he gave us
opportunities and he glowed in pride when he thought we had done our job.
- I had seen personally many times he had taken a personal fall for the mistakes we made
– and that model of a superior influenced me greatly in my early years in PETRONAS.
Superiors always take the fall before he points fingers to his staff.
- But the younglings always forget those who had spent a lifetime bringing them up. I had
planned to throw him a retirement party and until today, for whatever reasons, still do not
manage to organise one!
Tn Hj Syed M Hakhiri & En M Effendi M Nawi (of PGB and Group Treasury, formerly Manager,
MMSB)
- When I started as a manager in PETRONAS in 2003, I was clueless. I had to manage the
finance function of a business which I had no idea about and a set of staff who knew
everything that I didn’t. It was a recipe for disaster.
- I was lucky because I had two fellow managers who knew from earlier on that one day I
would move on quicker than they would – so they held on my hands all the time in the
first year so that I could get on my feet and ran.
- People always say that the office politics in a Malay-run organisation is worst; yet in both
of them, there was not even a tinge of jealousy. If anything, they were more keen to
allow me to get the right exposure and spotlight, many times at their own expense.
- The kindness and coaching they provided to me is the very thing that any newbie in this
organisation is entitled to – one that is sincerely from the heart; not because it is a KPI to
score LBVF.
Finance staff and management of MMSB, past and present – Thank you for the acceptance
and respect that translated into long lasting friendship, even as many of us dispersed to different
locations and directions in and out of PETRONAS. The first 2 years in PETRONAS was critical
because it built trust in the organisation; that it was worth staying because it provided
opportunities and excitement – there could not have been a better place to start my career
than at MMSB. When a colleague who was already in PETRONAS knew that my first assignment
was to MMSB, she sent me a condolence SMS because according to her, MMSB was a sick
company. Looking back, I am glad that I had ignored her counsel because MMSB provided the
very foundation upon which my skills and knowledge in PETRONAS expanded as I was given new
assignments later on.
Datuk Yeow Kian Chai (formerly VP, Petrochemical Business)
- I was yanked out of the comfort zone in MMSB into the Petrochemical Business just as I hit
my 2 years in PETRONAS.
- In retrospect, many would have said that Datuk Yeow was out of his mind to promote a
27 year old to an E4 position. I was naïve at that time and did not appreciate what a
monumental step it was for him to push for my promotion. He bought me a farewell lunch
in May and he jokingly said "you did not know what we went through for that
promotion".
- I was most fortunate to have been able to learn from him directly. From the beginning it
looked as if we were a misfit – Datuk Yeow was stern with his subordinates and I was a
witness to many awkward moments; on the other hand I was too diplomatic to his own
liking that it was not long before a question of style surfaced in our discussion.
- He voiced his reservation that too much diplomacy may slow down the pace of what
we wanted to do; yet he gave me the full freedom to manage it according to what I
feel would yield the required result. That is a mark of the man – he doesn’t impose and
he treats you as a partner; knowing that respect accorded by a superior to a
subordinate will be complimented with loyalty and the desire to do his best on the part of
the subordinate.
- One of his earliest remarks to me taught me a great lesson of what to do and not to do
when managing a holding unit – "a small flutter of wings at the centre, will cause a great
hurricane at the OPUs level, so be careful when you want to wield your VP Office’s
license". Till the end, he was a believer in a small bureaucracy so we tried our best to
facilitate between the holding units and OPUs, not to overburden them with incessant
request of information.
- Datuk Yeow was also very fussy about the kind of people he allowed to come to PBU, to
the point that I grew restless because he insisted that even E1 coming to the unit must
meet his criteria. He in fact interviewed the E1s and E2s himself; which we thought could
have been left to us. Along the way, we realised that having the right people with the
right sets of skills and mindset, all the way from E1s to the E5s was perhaps the most
important thing to get the job done. As a VP, he couldn’t have possibly done everything
himself so he has to trust the unit to deliver for him; yet trust should only be accorded to
the people who can do justice to the trust so given.
- Within a short space of 2 years, he taught me most of the business knowledge that I know
now beyond the realm of petrochemical business. Each week when he is around, he
would come down before he leaves office, to sit down at least for half an hour for a chat
– usually on things beyond the scope of our work. He allowed me to vent off my
frustration, he enquired about other things he couldn’t do formally during office hours. It
was his way of saying "I may not thank you openly so often, but I really appreciate that
you are trying your best".
- And it had the desired effect – those years I spent with him, was never about PPA or
rewards or career progression. It was always about doing my best so that we can do
justice to his vision and where he wanted to drive the business, knowing he too would
have done his best to cover our back. The reward that I get is seeing Datuk Yeow’s
satisfied smile; because I felt that I had honoured his trust (no matter how corny this may
sound).
Puan Nor Raina Yeong Abdullah (GM, Group HR and formerly SM Strategy, Petrochemical
Business)
- Our success in whatever we do depends not just on our superior, but more importantly
our subordinates and colleagues. When I first came to PBU, Puan Raina has known
planning and petrochemical longer than I have known chemistry; so the gap in
knowledge and skills was very wide.
- Yet she welcomed my deficiency and used the opportunity to take me under her wings,
constantly teaching about the business and she did this without making me feel small or
inadequate for the job.
- She taught me finesse in action; so I learnt a lot of the diplomatic skills that she wielded so
adroitly when dealing with third parties or counterparts.
- But most importantly, she is a good friend and a very loyal one at that. In an environment
where I was a novice and she was a senior employee of the organisation, she provided
the personal support that I needed to make me feel welcomed.
- Puan Raina is a rarity in a sense that she has always put the personal well being of a staff
or colleague, more than anything else. There were times when she would counsel me to
look for different options internally when I was hitting a wall, because her interest is
always in my well being as a person.
- After I had tendered, she was steadfast in providing the personal and emotional support.
She took personal pain to defend me when untoward comments were made at a risk of
being accused of partiality; and she would arrange for lunches or teas to cheer me up.
- A kindness like that cannot be defined in any HR system or rewarded in any
remuneration package (it’s an irony that she’s in charge of remuneration for the group
now) – it is out of heart. And she has a bigger heart than most of us.
All my colleagues at Petrochemical Business Unit – I don’t want to list down the names here lest it
will be a URTV/Magga-like dedication .. Thank you very much for the trust and respect; and for
putting up with me eccentricities. No colleague or boss could have asked for more and I wish I
could have done a lot more for you but life always leaves us trailing in its track.
Puan Wan Noor Aini M Noor (SGM, Group SCM and formerly GM, Group Accounts & Skill Group
Advisor)
- Puan Wan Noor had taken a personal interest in my career when I was relatively
unknown in my first year in MMSB. One day, I received a call requesting for a
participation in the MASB Task Force set up by Group Accounts to review accounting
standards and that was my first encounter with her (as well as Pn Freida, Pn Rashidah and
Pn Zuhaida).
- Since then, she had given her time and consideration to allow me to choose the path
that I wanted in PETRONAS (though half of my decisions on my career were foolish, yet
she tolerated my wishes). She was patient with me and my eccentricities and she
respected some of the constraints that I shared with her (although I think she was
bemused most of the time with my constraints).
- Her flexibility allowed me to explore and gave me the opportunities to cover the
downstream and upstream business in various functional capacities in a relatively short 6
years.
- Even after I had tendered, she was the last person in PETRONAS to give up on persuading
me to retract. There were moments when I seriously considered retracting because I did
not have the heart to say no to her pleas, yet there were other things working in parallel
that convinced me that I should leave.
- We met up over tea this week after I have left and I had this lingering thought whether
the people I shall meet outside PETRONAS will ever be able to match the kindness that
the likes of Pn Wan Noor had showered me over the last 6 years.
Datuk George Ratilal (VP Finance)
- I did not have as much encounter with Datuk George yet by virtue of being in the
Finance fraternity and Datuk Yeow’s unit; there have been enough encounters with
Datuk George to leave a big impact on me.
- The thing that made me remember him most, is how fatherly he has treated me all this
while. In a few short encounters I had with him, he would actually show me how to do
the assignment he asked of me; and he would write the nicest things in his email to thank
me (which I thought was too kind coming from a VP).
- Perhaps one of the hardest things and the biggest regret out of my resignation is
managing his disappointment. It is not so much about a snub to a VP; but as a person he
is someone whom I cherish so much – for his treatment and the magnanimity in the
remarks that he had made about me in the past.
The ICAEW Group in PETRONAS (Cik Wan Shamilah, Cik Marina, En Tg Taufik, En Ahmad Hakimi,
Puan Hezlinn Faris and Puan Sharis) – Thank you for the camaraderie and fellowship; and the
work that we were doing with the ICAEW in PETRONAS was a great diversion from the stress of
work. It is very difficult to find a group of people so similar in views and jokes. I wish that it was a
lot better in the last 2 years but there were many constraints that we had to manoeuvre. If you
need an external mentor for the new ICAEW trainees, I am just a phone call away.
CEOs, GMs and Management of petchem OPUs – Thank you very much for the support,
understanding and cooperation. I understand that each time a new head of a unit in PBU
embarks on something involving the OPUs and business, he/she does not know a quarter of what
he/she is supposed to do. In the process, without the guidance and cooperation of the OPUs,
the units in the centre are nothing more than an academic unit. My time at PBU was enriched
with unparalleled interaction and learning process with all the CEOs, GMs and management of
OPUs. The knowledge you have imparted I shall carry on for life.
Petchem Planning & Finance Fraternity – Thank you for the most wonderful partnership that had
made it possible for us to do many things together. Thanks for the high sense of belonging that
had made it so easy to mobilise things no matter how controversial a request or an initiative was.
Finance Fraternity in PETRONAS – over the years, I have worked with quite a number of finance
personnel from across the group. We have become friends, we share jokes and we learnt from
each other. A special thank you to the Tax Group in PETRONAS especially Pn Zuhaida Zulkifli, Pn
Sharifah Noorliza and Pn Noor Azlina for the wonderful years developing and conducting tax
classes for the finance fraternity.
Cik Hajjah Mahani Yahya & En Baidzawi C Mat (SMs, PCSB Finance)
- The last 2 years was made possible and bearable because of the great personalities of
Mahani and Baidzawi. Each of us was on average separated by a decade in age, but
the companionship that was built is a proof that respect transcends gender or age. The
working relationship that was based on respect eventually developed into a strong
friendship and in the turmoil of the last 3 months, they had provided the strongest
emotional support.
- We learnt greatly from each other; each with our own area of strength and along the
way we complimented each other. There were areas that fell under Mahani’s or
Baidzawi’s jurisdiction but they allowed me to take the lead and deferred to me on
opinions and decisions (despite the huge gap in terms of working experience) and
naturally there were areas that I followed wherever they led.
- At least twice or three times a week, we would go for a teh tarik after work to compare
notes and discussed as a family on the overall direction of the department. We changed
stories about our staff, we highlighted to each other our blind spots. It was the best
working arrangement from colleagues that you could ever ask for.
- I was lucky because at each department that I had been assigned to, I was blessed with
matured and kind colleagues who tolerated my eagerness and naivete at work; though
they know I would not be able to do half of the things I wanted to do (which eventually I
found out myself, but they never raise the point that they had pointed out their
reservation earlier on).
- I was fortunate because I never had to compete with my colleagues in any departments
I was attached to; they were too happy to allow me to get all the spotlight. If you leave it
to Mahani and Baidzawi, they would want me to sprint far ahead and take the prize for
myself – it’s a maturity of seasoned employees who work for sheer joy of giving, not for
taking.
All my fellow SMs and Managers at PCSB – from the first day I reported for duty, my age has
never been an issue though it would have been otherwise at many other organisations. It is a
testimony of PETRONAS’ maturity as an organisation that amongst us are people who do not
have much greed or jealousy in their hearts that they accord respect when it is due. I have been
made at home from the first day here and without the support of my Managers (especially
Nasyrah and Kamal), I was doomed to fail. The generosity that each of you has extended, in
allowing me the time, space and pace to learn and to be accepted, is the very thing that had
made it so homely for the last 2 years.
All the International Finance Managers for PCSB’s international operations – thank you for the
kindness when we visited the operations during various meetings and tax issues; especially the
kindness in tolerating my neglect for your personal career development and coaching. Only
God knows how much I wanted to spend the time to be fair to all of you so that you have the
same air time, same attention and same opportunity with the other managers in KL. The ability of
our IFMs to fend for yourself, given the many constraints speaks volume of how far we have
come.
En Bhupinder Signh (Executive Director/Partner, Ernst & Young Tax Consultants)
- I have had the great opportunity to spend time and learn from En Bhupinder over the last
2 years, while he is helping PETRONAS to put our taxation affairs in order.
- What I learnt most from him is his humanity. As we grow closer through our travels to the
most "exotic" places that PETRONAS has ventured out, I learnt more and more about
him, his belief, his views on a range of issues. We discussed politics, economics, social
issues and anything under the sun – and I discovered a person who is so pure in his belief
of sense of fairness and sense of place; that much of his conducts represents this.
- En Bhupinder has long practised the very ideals of a multi-racial society long before
1Malaysia was conjured. I learn sincerity and kindness without discrimination from him,
especially in the ways he has been dealing with his staff.
- He grants respect to everyone regardless of position; he treated my young executive
with respect in the same way he had treated me. He taught my young executives as if
they were his staff.
- He reinforces my belief that there is hope for a multiracial Malaysia; and oddly enough
the learning process on this takes place in PETRONAS, the very organisation often
accused of racism for its overwhelmingly huge number of Malay employees.
- He was the first person to whom I related my plan to resign and he held that information
in confidentiality for almost 2 weeks, until I handed in the notice and eventually provided
the moral and emotional support that I desperately needed.
Pn Raiha Azni A Rahman (GM HR, PCSB)
- It was unfortunate that I did not have much opportunity to work with Pn Raiha, in fact my
resignation could have been one of the earliest she had had to deal in PCSB.
- However, I must thank her for her understanding and kindness in the period during and
after the resignation. She had approached it as an elderly and allowed me to feel
comfortable to share; knowing that at that particular time all that I needed was a
chance to explain.
Tn Hj Akbar Tajudin A Wahab (SGM, PCSB)
- Tuan Haji Akbar provided the moral support and coaching that allowed me to feel at
home ever since I joined PCSB, although I was from a different division.
- He engaged, he listened and he took interest from the very few encounters we had at
the CMC and dealing with the Indonesian companies.
- He was always lively and all along he had been genuine in wanting me to go far in the
organisation, often sharing his own trials and tribulations having been one of the most
senior employees of PETRONAS.
Datuk Abdullah Karim, En M Suhaimi Yasin and all Carigali’s Management Committee (CMC)
members – thank you for the attention and cooperation extended to me and my staff
throughout my short stint at PCSB. I wish I could have done a lot more; but having been through
the journey myself, I appreciate the size and uniqueness of PCSB that what would have been
easy elsewhere, is very challenging at PCSB.
All PCSB staff – I did not have opportunities to meet many as I deal mainly with international
operations; yet along the way there have been groups of people who work closely with me,
especially for Turkmenistan project and various other departments such as SCM, HR and Legal
dealing with international operations. It was a pleasure and I appreciated your patience in
bringing me up to speed although you have very little time to spare. I am sorry that the flow of
learning was one way (most of the time) – my learning while you teach; not the other way
around.
All Finance staff at PCSB KL; especially GBATI – last but not least; to the very people who had
formed the biggest part of my life for the last two years. These were the people who cheered
you up, ignited the pride in you and sometimes provoked a sense of guilt on your part for not
looking after them well enough. They had tolerated my requests more than they should have
accommodated me; they held the fort (so to speak) while I was busy attending other things.
They are the very cogs and wheels which drive this organisation; yet they are usually the easiest
to forget. I cannot find the right words; or enough words – to say thank you and sorry. Thank you
for being extremely loyal to me beyond the call of your duty and responsibility to a superior. You
may not know but the moral support being extended by all of you pulled me through the last 3
months and it was not an easy period. My apology for plunging everyone into the awkwardness
of the last 3 months and for not being able to complete what should have been a journey that
we ought to travel together. Only God will repay your kindness.
PART II
So why quit, if quitting means leaving life as you know it behind?
I initially did not plan to answer this to anyone, after all I felt that it is a personal decision and
therefore I am not answerable to anyone.
However as the days passed by words began to travel and eventually it became a source of
speculation; many of which put me in a very negative light. The very reason I wanted to keep
quiet and go quietly i.e. to avoid the resignation becoming too much of an issue; became the
catalyst that allowed various versions of speculation.
Eventually the many speculations converged to two or three versions.
One version is that I quit in tantrum because I was not promoted. I really don’t know the source
of this speculation (though I can have a highly accurate guess) and it is the one version that is
furthest from the truth.
Those who are close enough to me would know immediately that it is one position that I would
not have wanted even if given an opportunity. The position is based in East Malaysia and I have
a lot of social commitments outside PETRONAS that require my presence in Klang Valley over the
weekends hence why I prefer a position in Klang Valley for the time being.
I
coach and manage the MCKK’s debating and hockey teams respectively and I go back to
train the teams at least every fortnightly in the first semester of the school calendar each year.
On top of that, I provide voluntary tuition and coaching to a group of accounting students in
UiTM pursuing professional qualification that takes up considerable amount of my free time. For
the time being, I am not at a stage where I can quit this voluntary commitment.
It is because of this reason that I made a request to Puan Wan Noor in 2007 to take up my last
posting in PCSB; which in a way kills two birds with one stone. The Finance Fraternity felt that I
should have gone for an overseas posting before I was promoted to E4 and at the same time I
had always wanted to learn upstream business. So a position in KL that covers upstream’s
international operations matches the organisation’s plan with my own interest and constraints.
Due to all this, I was not prepared to leave KL even for a promotion as there is more to life than
position and salary grades – after all I have the leisure of time so I was in no hurry. The fact that
all this was ignored when certain quarters manufactured such speculation really saddened me.
Another version that was going around was that I was not prepared to be rated 3 for PPA and I
quit because of PPA. In my entire 7 PPA cycles in PETRONAS, I had never brought up even once
the question of my PPA. Even when it was with Datuk Yeow, there was a common understanding
that I was more interested in the learning, not the rating.
In the overall scheme of things – though I may be a bit hasty, I am not stupid to quit a good
paying job with a good prospect in the largest corporation in the country without a job waiting;
because of a rating in one appraisal cycle. After all bosses come and go and one should not
look at a career in such a short term perspective.
The attempt to link my resignation to a PPA rating was at best naïve and at worst malicious.
The other version was that I resigned in protest because of the forced ranking of the staff that
had led to a few of my staff getting lower rating.
I feel that after being in PETRONAS for nearly 7 years and more than 4 years as a Senior Manager
(and therefore involved in the PPA process for all the 7 cycles); I deserve a bit more credit for my
intelligence; even if I am young (and therefore can be accused as short-tempered). Only an
idiot would resign in protest to make a point because resigning will not change anything
especially if you had been a party and a panel during the HRPC to begin with. I guess after a
while, the rumour mills get more creative in our never ending quest for drama.
What has happened that led to my resignation was a lot simpler – it was a series of events and
disagreements that eventually diluted the respect I have for my immediate superior and made it
untenable for me to continue in the organisation.
One of the first questions I was asked by Puan Wan Noor when she called me to find out was
whether it was a push or pull factor.
From my own experience, most of the time it would have been a push factor. In the past, I have
had head-hunters and some lucrative offers to leave PETRONAS, but I never entertained any of
it. I was contented with my job, there was always something challenging and I was earning more
than enough given my rather cheap-skate lifestyle. It never crossed my mind that I would leave
PETRONAS, therefore because our heart is so entrenched in PETRONAS there was never even a
question of a pull factor.
However as the working environment gets less conducive and disagreements become more
frequent, a life outside PETRONAS suddenly becomes possible. Initially it started out with the
curiosity of how I would fare outside, it then developed into an excitement of learning new
things outside. In my case, there was not even a pull factor to begin with – the pull factor was a
fiction of my imagination as I weighed the possibility of leaving, as the disagreement was
gathering pace in the office. A pull factor is often a natural reaction to a push factor, not unlike
Newton’s first law that for every action, there will be an equal reaction in the opposite direction.
The stronger the push factor, the stronger the urge to create a pull factor to justify leaving an
organisation.
The sad thing was that I started out on a very good footing with my superior. In my first appraisal
with her, she actually counselled me for not being ambitious enough – when asked how I see
myself in PETRONAS, I said that I would be contented to become a SGM; to which she retorted
because she felt I should be aiming to become a President of the organisation, given my age
and exposure so far.
There I went; from being regarded as a VP and President material to a middle management
who did not know how to manage work, too soft on staff and a plethora of other negative
remarks, barely 6 months after the first appraisal – all because of a series of disagreement and
incidents that exposed the glaring differences between my values and my superior’s.
I
have always had some reservations with the direction of the department or the manner that
we have been dealing with work and staff from as early as my first few months in PCSB –
because I felt that we compromised thoroughness, quality and long term planning in substitute
for speed. There was always an urgency to speed things up; sometimes urgency was created
out of nothing. After a while I feel that we were chasing for quantities so that it creates a sense
of achievement – that by coming up with as many initiatives as possible, on paper it gives the
impression that a good job has been done. There was also the constant reminder that under my
superior’s leadership she was mandated to "clean up" PCSB and so we had to chip in as best as
possible; as if we were a band of top-notch trouble-shooters who would set things right
miraculously.
Unfortunately, we have to be realistic in rolling out improvement initiatives – scoring points is one
thing, making sure that the improvement is embedded in the culture of the department is a lot
more important so that it is sustainable when we move on eventually. Otherwise, the whole
department will be trapped in a vicious cycle of fixing what once thought had been fixed;
because we did the first one in a hurry. Of course by then, the superior and middle
management of the department would have moved on leaving the mess to a new set of
people to resolve.
Moreover, some of the initiatives being carried out involve a complete re-look at the way we
have been doing things and such re-look requires an in-depth evaluation of all factors involved.
There were many instances when we were expected to cover all grounds in such a short period
of time that one wonders whether we do things in the name of speed; instead of quality.
But her reputation for speed and energy must be maintained at all cost; regardless of what
hurricane the fluttering of her wings up there has caused to the subordinates down under.
I
was lucky that my colleagues were very understanding and we managed the challenges
among ourselves. We lent staff to each other, we give and take along the way so long as the
requirements are met despite whatever reservation I had of the approach.
However there were incidents that put my personal values to the test and the conflicts against
my personal values were eventually irreconcilable.
About two weeks after Aidilfitri last year, my superior decided to hold an open house for the
Senior Managers at her place. Unfortunately the decision was made very late on Friday after
work, when I was already driving back to my hometown in Terengganu. It is a common feature
of our work relationship that decisions were made at the last minute or they constantly change;
let alone for a non-business function like this. I related to her secretary that I would be in
Terengganu and would try my best to reach KL in time for the function on Sunday night.
As it turned out, I got delayed and by the time I reached KL it was already 9 pm so it was too
late to go.
The next day we had our MYPR and the whole 2 days would be remembered for the negative
vibe and scolding that some of us received for not attending the open house. I remember the
session was started with her telling us off about the manners required of us in our relationship with
her as a superior. In her own words, I remember vividly her setting the terms:
"Let me coach you, next time when your GM does anything you drop everything and attend
the function".
I was taken aback with the whole thing because I never thought that such expectation was fair
especially outside office hours, during the staff’s own personal time. In fact I thought it would be
dangerous to set it out on such terms because it would encourage the culture of kow tow in our
organisation. Nevertheless we didn’t want to add oil to the fire, so all obliged and let it passed.
From that day and for the next one month, I received a cold treatment from my superior.
Attempts to reconcile and apologise, either by emails or SMS were not reciprocated in the usual
warmth and promptness that should be expected. There were many emails that did not even
receive much response. It took me more than a month before I could re-establish the normal
working relationship with her.
Things were made worse with the shortages of manpower that we had. In September 2008, we
effected an internal transfer that had reduced the manning of my unit significantly. Only one
replacement was made for the five who left (2 managers and 3 senior executives) – and the
replacement was barely 3 months old in PETRONAS.
The said staff struggled to complete a half year closing because she had never worked with SAP
before. On top of that, due to the shortage of staff, she had to handle a few companies
including Mauritania which was in the process of transition into PETRONAS system after the
takeover. I expected her to struggle and she broke down one night; that my other staff had to
come in to cover for her.
I
was not surprised that she wanted a less stressful position so that she could learn the PETRONAS
system at a much slower pace; after all there was already a unit which was willing to take her in.
I had always thought that when we take an employee, we take him/her for PETRONAS and she
would have the flexibility to move about to explore the career that can bring out her best
potential.
Unfortunately, my superior thought otherwise. Her decision was simple – either stay at the same
position or leave the organisation. She related her views that the said staff used to be her
husband’s staff at an audit firm and she felt that the staff was never interested to work hard to
begin with. In her (my superior’s) own words; the staff had always wanted an easy life based on
her husband’s encounters about 4 years back.
I
felt sad that we make judgments about people’s character without ever giving them a chance
to prove themselves, or based on a perception built by a third party almost half a decade ago.
If people were to judge me when I was in university before I started work, I would not even be
given any work because I spent more time watching The Simpsons marathon on TV than going
to the class in university.
People change and we should assess them for what they are; for who are we to read and know
people’s heart – that is the realm of God. I have worked with the staff for a month and in my
opinion she had tried her best but the task was beyond her. I could have been in her position
when I started in MMSB – instead of giving a summary judgment, my ex-superior and colleagues
then tried their best to hold my hands so that I could be of some value to PETRONAS.
The staff chose to resign, barely 5 months into the company. Along with her departure, the
respect for my superior slowly eroded as her trigger happy general characterisation of staff and
the judgmental approach was a complete anathema to my own values. It made a mockery of
all the values on coaching and nurturing staff that PETRONAS tries so hard to inculcate.
Things mellowed down for a while until it hit another rock bottom in December 2008.
By God’s will, one Saturday morning in December 2008 I woke up stranded after a landslide; like
many of other PETRONAS employees who live in Bukit Antarabangsa. The first person to call in
the midst of the confusion was En Bhupinder, who offered a place at his house temporarily. I
rubbished him and joked about the whole thing (as I had always been with him) and throughout
the week PETRONAS and other colleagues came in very quickly to provide the moral and
physical support. I cannot describe in words the emotional anguish of going through that period
– it was not so much about what had happened, it was the unresolved uncertainty that saw no
light at the end of the tunnel.
My superior was in preparation for holidays so I guess she was too busy to find out. She came
back from holidays while the tragedy was still making headlines but until today, she had not
mentioned it once, or ever enquired about our staff who were living in Bukit Antarabangsa,
including me. It was a non-event for her although it was a big tragedy for the whole country.
One may think that I am being petty – but it is only fair that a subordinate has a high
expectation of the superior, in the same manner that the superior expects highly from the
subordinate. If the subordinates were expected to sacrifice his/her personal time for work and
for the superior (which includes locating her car in the KLCC basement parking so that I could
pass the key to her driver since she was in a meeting and it was not easy to locate a car in KLCC
basement parking!); I don’t think it’s too much to expect the superior to show some care for her
staff especially for such a traumatic event. Even if we remove the subordinate-superior’s
perspective, it is only decent that we offer sympathies to people grappling with a musibah, let
alone if the people were the very people who had supported you all along.
December 2008 too witnessed the first open confrontation and frank feedback between us;
precipitated by the smallest of matter i.e. attendance to the department’s Annual Dinner. I had
always had a different view about departmental Annual Dinner – while she thought that it was a
perfect opportunity to reward our staff for their hard work over the year; I felt that it is too
condescending that we can make up a neglect of one year with one dinner function.
What the staff require and expect is not a big party at the year end; but continuous kindness
and appreciation in the manner we treat them each day – in the way we talk to them in the
pantry each morning, the way we smile to them, the efforts we take to make sure they can
cope with their work etc. That, in my book is how I would have wanted to be appreciated, and
no amount of Annual Dinner and parties can compensate for the lack of that from a superior.
The decision on whether or not to make the attendance compulsory fell on my lap since I was
covering for her during her 2-week holidays. I decided to make it optional so that people do not
attend out of fear as that would not have been fun for them. When she returned, obviously she
was not happy so we had an open argument on the issue; which led to all the other
disagreements bottling up coming to surface.
She gave a "damn if you, damn if you don’t" option to the staff – they may choose not to
attend, but by not attending they could be considered as not showing the team work needed
for the department. I protested because I thought it was not fair as some of them have genuine
reasons for not attending and some did not have the time to get the costumes and to prepare
for performance due to long winded budget exercise that we endured this year.
We had a one hour discussion that started to revolve around all the other things – at the end of it
I knew that things would not be the same afterwards. On one hand we were coached and
asked to be candid, on the other hand at times when we were being candid such openness
may not be viewed favourably by the superior.
On another occasion during the budget cycle, after a continuous 2 weeks of working late and
going back passed 10 o’clock, one of my staff was locked outside by the husband. She came to
office the next day feeling sad (and understandably so) and that incident affected me
tremendously because nothing at work is worth wrecking a marriage. I could empathise with the
husband too because if I were in his position, it would have been difficult to digest as well.
There were times with other staff that I had to endure witnessing them talking to the husband or
the children on the phone telling their loved ones that they would come late; right in front of my
eyes. Morally I could not stomach it especially when I always felt that we did not need to stay
back late that long all the time if we could plan our work properly – planning the work requires
coordination and support from the superior as it involved other departments during the budget
cycle.
I
went to see my superior to discuss about what kind of adjustments that we could make to
lessen the expectation and requirement since I viewed the trend as worrying. When I related the
incident that one of our staff was locked outside, her immediate response was:
"The husband should be less conservative and more understanding that women nowadays
have a career".
I did not proceed with the discussion because I thought it was futile. For a wife and a mother to
have said that, gives away the weight that she attaches to the very values that are so important
to me.
So the descent continued until April 2009 – we managed the work as best as possible and tried
our best to remain professional. However the events of the first 3 weeks in April completely
demolished the respect that I had for her and served as the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
It started off with the HRPC for PPA at the departmental level; which she chose not to attend this
year. I took strong exception to that knowing how much the staff would have wanted her to
attend since the decision on promotion and the final say on rating would be her prerogative.
After all, if the staff can work hard for one year to realise our vision and wants for the department
no matter how stressed out they have become; it is not too much for us to allocate 3 days and
set aside everything else to go through their performance. We have hundreds of staff and the
best way to know them is to go through their PPA.
The session went well and the final result of the deliberation was eventually presented to her.
While I understand that it is her prerogative to give the final rating, I wished she would have been
a part of the earlier deliberation so that she could be intimate with the factors that had been
considered earlier by the panels. In the end, the decision that took 3 days to be finalised, was
tampered and changed in a matter of 2 hours with her not being privy to the earlier, more
detailed elaboration.
To top it all, there were one or two cases where she had felt strongly for or against.
In one case where she felt strongly for, the SMs and managers were called to present to her why
the particular staff should not be given a rating 2; although the SMs and managers were
unanimous with a 3 decision that had been agreed at the different stages of PPA deliberation.
The act to strongly question a deliberation of the panels, especially when the particular staff has
made so many complaints about his rating before and such complaints had been taken into
account during the deliberation; reinforced the belief that there was favouritism especially when
the SMs and managers were summoned to justify – there were other staff who were not satisfied
with their rating too; why was it that their grouses were not treated with her personal attention
too? It also sent the wrong signals to the staff that the decision of an HRPC panel, after careful
deliberation can easily be diluted if you know how to appeal directly to the GM – hence
promoting an even worse kow tow culture.
In another case where she felt strongly against the staff, despite repeated pleas on the SMs’ part
that the staff deserved a 2 in accordance to an earlier PPA deliberation, the rating was
downgraded unilaterally. She volunteered to relay the decision of the downgrade to the staff so
that she can "coach" her on her behaviours and development needs. Eventually I found out
that the particular staff was told that the downgrading was done by the SMs, not her – so much
for taking ownership of a decision that should be expected from a leader.
The events of the PPA had already convinced me that I should move as I cannot work with a
superior whom I do not see having any moral authority with me anymore. But the tipping point
came soon after in the realm of our personal relationship.
In early April, her husband was diagnosed with leukaemia. I was among the first persons she
informed and at the instance that I found out; at her request I arranged for blood and platelet
donation. Apart from PETRONAS staff, I also called personal friends of mine to come for
donation.
While I empathise with the turmoil, worry and sadness she may be going through, I thought it was
only proper that she either thanked the donors personally or at least send them SMS to say thank
you; after all the deed could not have been commanded by a superior to a subordinate – it was
out of voluntary kindness. That gesture of courtesy was not forthcoming.
Within the next two weeks, I would receive calls asking me to arrange for blood donations. The
tone changed from one of a request at the beginning, to one of an order later on. While I do
not mind assisting, it was only polite to remember that she was asking for help and she should be
grateful to the clerks and non-executives who paid the taxi fare on their own during the
weekend to go for the donation; yet these kind people never managed to see her or heard
anything from her at the hospital. She expected people to help; perhaps due to her position –
and when I realised this, I was so embarrassed with the staff.
It then came to a point when I felt like I was being treated like a tool in and out of office. I was
an errand runner – someone to pile office assignments on, or someone to fetch her key or
someone to drive around to send Board Papers at her instruction. Her treatment of me and other
staff during the critical 2 weeks of April convinced me that people in her eyes are tools; hence
the lack of respect and sincere care that she struggled to display from the first day.
I
made up my mind by then that I didn’t want to work for her anymore.
There were two options – either I asked for a transfer or I quit.
Asking for a transfer would provide ammunitions for her to run down my character and
reputation. I had seen how she could run down a staff’s track record and reputation in many
HRPC discussions, so I shuddered to think the kind of remarks that could have been made about
me. The timing for a transfer will also be bad –as if I could not cope with the work and
repudiated the rating that she gave earlier on.
I
decided to quit – and I should quit before I get a job otherwise the version that would transpire
in the organisation is that I left for a greener pasture. The point that I was trying to make – about
the leadership that is required of our superior, about the thin line between scoring points and
making sustainable improvements to our operations, about the genuine care that we must show
to the colleagues around us; would have been lost if I secured a job before quitting.
I handed in my resignation notice on 30 April 2009 without any job offers waiting. I had to wait for
3 hours before being called in to discuss the notice.
And it was not a discussion at all. From the word "why" she talked down to me in all her
arrogance about what a disappointment I had been. About how overrated I was and the fact
that I could not cope with the work in her eyes. It was interlaced with examples of how she had
triumphed in the past even when dealing with her previously difficult or under performing bosses.
It was all about her when the issue at hand was my resignation. As if losing a job was not bad
enough, I had to endure her belittling every aspect of my dignity.
When the normal reaction of a superior should have been one of concern and sadness upon
receiving a resignation notice from a staff – her reaction can only be summarised in one phrase:
survival instinct. It was apparent to me by then that all she was interested was to paint a very
negative picture of me to justify my leaving the organisation – and the character assassination
that went on for 2 months began from there.
I had to cut her four times to tell her that I was not interested to listen to her lecture, because I
had made up my mind. She continued until finally I told her that I was sorry this had to happen
at a time when her husband was not well.
I didn’t expect what happened next – because I would have thought that after the personal
assistance I provided to her in the difficult 2 weeks, that would have counted for something in
her eyes. Instead she flipped, raised her voice, shed tears and told me not to drag her husband
into this and asked me to leave the room.
That was the only discussion I had with my superior about my resignation. There was not even a
slight attempt to persuade me to stay. Eventually she would tell other staffs who wanted to
resign too that while she was happy I was going (in her own words it was her "prayers coming
true"), she valued the other staffs a lot more – that was why she would take time to personally
persuade them.
One week later I received an email from her asking me to pass all the work to my managers as
she would only deal with them directly. When I questioned the directive, she gave an excuse
that as I had tendered I should not have access to sensitive business information – which after
checking with the relevant departments I knew there was no such policy. The last 3 months have
been awkward – she knew there were many deliverables that I managed on my own. She
would pester the managers to deliver (based on her earlier directive that those assignments
were passed to the managers) knowing the managers would have to run back to me to get an
update; since no one else had been working on those assignments. The arrangement was
childish and unnecessary; a result of utter lack of professionalism.
The last time she called me in; which I obliged to see her out of respect for the position she
occupied; ended up with her telling me that I was "the most fake, over-rated and emotionally
unstable person she had ever met". I wanted to tell her that it was the same fake person who
did not think twice to help her when her husband was ill, it was the same organisation that had
promoted her that unfortunately over-rated me and it was the same emotionally unstable
person who had justified her actions to the staff down below for the last 2 years. But I didn’t as I
saw no point in doing so.
It wasn’t long too before the words spread that I quit for the various reasons mentioned earlier
on, which put me in a very bad light.
Against this backdrop, in spite of the efforts by a few people to persuade me to retract, I did not
see how I could do that without hurting the very thing I wanted to protect – my credibility and
reputation. By retracting and choosing to go to a different division or for a promotion elsewhere,
it would have vindicated her claim to a lot of people in PETRONAS that my resignation was due
to a dissatisfaction over promotion and PPA.
I
n retrospect, I would never know whether my decision was good for me or not. People say I was
crazy to leave a cosy job during an economic downturn and for a while I was hitting a wall
because companies outside were suspicious of a person who was promoted so quickly and
then made a decision to leave an organisation like PETRONAS. After the initial surreal feeling that
I had crossed the bridge, I stopped thinking about the decision and focused the mind on getting
across the bridge.
Regardless of the merit of the decision (and the judge is out there) – I was sure of one thing.
There is a minimum level of expectation that a superior owes to the subordinates and vice versa
– the expectation goes both ways. I grew up in an institution which placed a premium value on
leadership and sacrifices. My first lesson of leadership at 13 year old was to take the fall for my
dorm mates for not keeping the dorm clean. They watched me being punished and along the
way we established the simplest code of relationship between the ones who lead and the
others who follow.
The ones who lead shall not lead where others can’t possibly follow. A general in an army must
provide enough bullets and artilleries before sending his foot soldiers to the battle lest it is all in
vain. Loyalty in the ranks is derived out of love for the sacrifice on the part of the general – that
the general will put himself in front of the firing line before he commits his soldiers. A leader can
only produce magnificent results through his people who are inspired by him – a leader does not
resort to authority or conformity to produce results, only a manager does so.
In the case of PETRONAS, the values that PETRONAS promotes can only become a reality if it is
lived and demonstrated by our immediate superiors. Our superiors are a reflection and
representative of what PETRONAS stands for. On their shoulders (and ours, since we too are
superiors) is the responsibility to nurture the culture and values – no matter how much the
organisation puts in to promote the values; unless such values are demonstrated in our daily
work; the values are nothing more than slogans.
Call me a sentimental freak – but these are my values that I was not willing to compromise. We
can change jobs, we can adjust to new environment but the moment we sell out on our core
values, we lose our soul.
PART III
Among the most common question that people asked after my resignation – was whether I
would be bitter with PETRONAS.
The proverb "tempat jatuh lagikan dikenang, inikan pula tempat bermain" is most apt to
describe the esteem I hold for and the sentimental value I attach to PETRONAS. This is an
organisation that has shaped my professional development at the most formative part of my
career; that much of who I am as a person and as a professional is influenced by the values,
approaches and methods in PETRONAS.
In the past, I had gone beyond the call of my professional duty to defend PETRONAS in
whatever ways I deemed fit; remembering how tolerant, compassionate and kind PETRONAS
had been with me during the years I was growing up.
Like the rest of PETRONAS staff who had come out to defend PETRONAS when the public
outrage was directed at us at the height of the fuel price controversy in 2008; I would like to think
that I had played my role albeit in a small way.
The idea to organise a public debate on the issue was first discussed at the Lotus Restaurant in
Ampang Park with En Hanafiah Man, an old friend from the time of my student days who is now
with the news portal Agendadaily.com some time in June 2008. Both of us felt that it was a good
opportunity to promote discussion to usher in a new period of openness in the country;
especially on an issue which would be fair to both parties.
My interest at the time was to lessen the criticisms from Pakatan Rakyat towards PETRONAS
especially when most of the criticisms arose from misunderstanding and lack of information. I
was convinced that if people see the numbers (being an accountant), it should be very obvious
that PETRONAS was not to blame.
I went a long way back with PKR. During the heydays of reformasi in 1998, while my
contemporaries enjoyed their summer holidays, I was on top of a Pajero giving speeches to a
group of students in Kampung Baru in my capacity as Chairman of the United Kingdom
Executive Council for Malaysian Students (UKEC). My involvement continued while I was finishing
my CA in London – acting as a link with a few British MPs to provide updates on human rights
and issues relating to democratic space in Malaysia. When I came back to Malaysia in 2003, I
was immediately appointed as a Supreme Council member of the then Parti Keadilan Nasional
at the age of 25. I took a conscious decision at 26 to quit to concentrate on my career with
PETRONAS, realising that wisdom comes with age and a 26 year old has no business in politics
without a strong professional foundation.
Given this background, naturally I have an instant access to the leadership of Pakatan Rakyat.
The briefing to Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim – all using publicly available information without having
to divulge any confidential information – took place over a period of one week. The briefing
pack is attached herewith – I share it here to demonstrate how easy that each and everyone of
us can play a role beyond the call of our daily 8-hour job to defend PETRONAS, should the
negative spotlight is on again.
With Pakatan Rakyat too adjusting its public stand to move away from blaming PETRONAS, the
catalyst for public outcry immediately fizzled out. I remember going to office the next day after
the debate, when everyone was declaring PETRONAS as the winner of the public debate.
We all do what we must, officially or unofficially to safeguard the institution that PETRONAS is. We
had done it when we were employees, I am sure there are thousands out there who are exemployees
who will continue to take interest and to defend PETRONAS – myself included.
PART IV
So I come to an end of the road with PETRONAS.
It is very difficult to move on because unlike previous assignments; I actually did not want to
move on. Moving on means leaving people whom I have regarded as families and starting
anew.
I came into the organisation as a stranger almost seven years ago – but I leave as a family
member. I was greeted by strangers and over the years they had become families. I came in
empty and I leave full with knowledge and skills.
Saying goodbye to people whom had made your life and career very meaningful is very
difficult; yet move on we must.
I
had a dinner on the last day with Mahani and Baidzawi – while I know we would try our best to
keep in touch; life will take different directions. In your absence, I will meet new people and we
will be sucked into the demands of our new life that it will be difficult to sit down over dinner or
tea like we used to. In my absence, I am sure every one will move on to and the sense of loss will
eventually dissipate that when we cross path once again in the future, it will not be the same.
Such is life; it is like a river and it will flow.
My staff have been asking whether I did cry at any point since resignation. In public and during
the various farewell functions – I was mentally prepared so I did not. But on the last day, after the
dinner with Mahani and Baidzawi, walking alone to car park around 11 pm, I did cry knowing
that the end was here. In the car, I opened all the gifts, the books, the scrap books that you
prepared and I can’t help but wonder whether I could ever repay your kindness for making me
feel so appreciated and special. I am not human if I don’t shed tears for the kindness that
PETRONAS family has extended over the last 7 years.
Thank you to all who have read up to this point, what maybe the longest ever farewell note in
PETRONAS of late. If anything, it is a glimpse of how important PETRONAS is to me that I have so
much to say and I remember most of the things that I had gone through in PETRONAS.
Thank you for all the cards, gifts and farewell parties thrown for the last 3 months – I had put on 5
kg thanks to the parties! Thank you for the kitten Kristi to keep me company and to remember
you by, she wakes me up for Subuh every morning (more because I feed her in the morning
around Subuh!).
I
would like to apologise for all the harsh words and transgression; it was never done out of
malice. Please forgive me for all the things that fell short of your expectation or if I have hurt
anyone of you; it was never ever my intention to hurt anyone.
I could not include everyone in the email, if you feel there are people who would have come
across me but are not included, I would appreciate if you can pass the note around. In the
future, I can be contacted at my personal email rafizi.ramli@gmail.com
Insya Allah one day our path will cross again – good luck and take care!
7 August 2009